Is there a storm coming? (Part 1)

I wasn’t sure whether to post about this or not, but I figured the whole point of my blog was to follow my whole pregnancy journey, wherever that took us.

We’ve hit a little bump in the road which I’m hoping is all it is, but here’s what’s been going on…

Yesterday (11th August) was a worrying day. I woke up in the morning to some spotting. After speaking to my midwife, I got in touch with the Early Pregnany Unit (EPU). They offer a walk in service so I could go in and would be reviewed.

The walk in service is triaged, so I feel like I’ve seen about 10 different people. It wasn’t that many, but there was a health care assistant who took my blood pressure and urine sample, a nurse who did the initial triage, a sonographer who did a scan and then another nurse.

As I’m only 8 weeks, I had to have another internal scan as it provides a clearer image. I think it’s the most uncomfortable one I’ve had yet. I swear the sonographer was trying to turn it sideways. After 5 minutes of poking around and not saying a word to me, she eventually said she could see baby and a heartbeat and baby’s size. Baby is measuring 6 weeks not 8.

I went back to the waiting room to see the next nurse who would give me the results. She told me the baby measured 6 weeks and the heartbeat was slow, but said this could be because the heart has just got going. I tried to explain how much this troubled me. My first pregnancy measured weeks smaller than it should have and I had spotting before the miscarriage. She tried to be reassuring and explained I could have ovulated later in my cycle and that baby’s heartbeat could be slow because it’s only just getting started. I didn’t feel reassured though, my gut instinct was on overdrive. She then gave me an appointment card and said I had to go back in a week for another scan.

Not feeling content and a little helpless, I met up with my mum and headed upstairs to the Tommy’s clinic. I had been emailing Louise my midwife throughout the day, so went to go and see her. Louise kindly made some time for me and I filled her in on the scan report. She went and informed Jenny, the doctor who came to see me.  She said they would be happy to rescan me the next day, or I could go back on Monday and she’d scan me then. Monday being the best option as it gives a few days for things to change/progress and get more information.

I felt so grateful for this. They don’t specialise in early pregnancy, but have so much understanding for women who have had previous losses. Nothing is ever too much trouble for them, especially if it helps to bring some reassurance.

Everyone keeps telling me not to compare things to previous pregnancies, every pregnancy is different. I know, and that makes figuring out what feels right and wrong so hard. Guy’s pregnancy was different to my first, so I worried because I didn’t know if that was good or not. This pregnancy is different to both, it’s like not even being pregnant. Maybe this is a pregnancy where I will spot/bleed throughout, but maybe it’s my warning sign of a threatened miscarriage? No-one knows if it is, no-one knows if it isn’t.

Early pregnancy is awful.  Its lonely, no-one has answers, and there’s nothing anyone can do to fix it. We just have to hope Mother Nature gets her act together and knows what to do.

The brightest part of my day though was receiving this beautiful rainbow necklace in the post from a friend.

Friday 12th August

I woke up to more fresh spotting this morning. FFS! Although anxious, my mind was settled a little knowing the spotting didn’t continue throughout yesterday. But now again? What is going on?

I contacted Louise again just to update her. We agreed going back today for a scan wouldn’t bring much information and waiting until Monday was best. I was happy with this, because to be honest, I can’t face another internal scan right now. We will see what happens over the weekend, and hope it doesn’t get any worse before Monday.  If it does, I’m just to head straight back to the EPU.

I feel defeated, and I hate that so much. I want to be positive, I want to be hopeful, but when all I know is loss, it’s hard to see through the fog.

To be continued….