This time last year I was pregnant for the third time and I was terrified. Mentally I thought I was doing ok. We’d had a six month break after Guy died, the thick fog of grief was becoming more of a mist and I had returned to work. Being pregnant again just sent me into a complete spin. My head was a mess, I could barely function let alone think clearly and there wasn’t an ounce of positivity in me. After a missed miscarriage and Guy’s second trimester stillbirth, I was very much aware that this next pregnancy was not guaranteed. I knew there was no safe zone, and I felt incredibly vulnerable.
For everyone else being pregnant was still a happy and exciting time, but for me it just wasn’t. I hated that I had such a pessimistic attitude when talking to people about it. Everyone wanted to be so positive and optimistic because our care would be different from now on, and I could never fully explain why this would never relieve my anxieties. So I decided that I wanted to start my own blog. A place where I could have uninterrupted thoughts and process and put into words why pregnancy after loss is so damn hard.
After meeting other loss mamas through the wonders of Instagram, I came across some blogs that brought me so much comfort in those early months after Guy died. It was as though someone had looked into the mush that was my mind and had managed to eloquently put into words my inner thoughts and feelings of grief and life after the loss of a baby. I found these blogs so useful to share to help others understand what we were going through, and felt I needed to do this for myself. I needed to create a place where friends and family could go to get a real insight into how difficult pregnancy after loss is. I also hoped that other people going through pregnancy loss and subsequently pregnancy after loss could find this and know that how they are feeling is normal.
So, with the help of my super computer nerd hubby, Storms and Rainbows was born!
A year of blogging
We’ve been through a lot this year, hey? Storms and Rainbows set off with the intention of documenting the complexity of pregnancy after loss. The anxieties, the endless hospital appointments, and with any luck – a living, breathing rainbow baby. Sadly the universe had other plans as we miscarried the pregnancy that had inspired and motivated this blog just a few weeks later. It completely threw me and I had no idea where to go with the blog.
Instead of documenting a pregnancy, I had to change course. It has now become more of a diary, a place to share our journey to bringing home a baby. I’ve chosen to openly and honestly share all about our appointments, screening at the recurrent miscarriage clinic, and then suffering yet another miscarriage – a fourth loss.
Blogging has been a good outlet, a source of therapy. Generally when something significant has happened, I’ve took to the computer and ranted everything out on here. Doing this has enabled me to capture the raw emotions of going through more devastating losses, and what feels like never ending invasive procedures. I’ve also tried to keep Guy a part of this by sharing his story and how we keep his memory alive and celebrate his little life.
I have also used this blog as a space to support a couple of charities that mean a lot to me such as Aching Arms and my volunteer work for them. I’ve written in support of campaigns for Tommy’s (who will forever have a piece of my heart because of their amazing research, specialist clinics and the professionals who are passionate about saving babies lives) such as #WeAreAllMums and #AlwaysAsk. It’s also enabled me to do a little guest blogging for Tommy’s too. I’ll leave the links below in case you’d like to read them.
Sharing our stories of pregnancy loss and supporting Tommy’s gave me the huge honour of being nominated for their ‘Mum’s Voice’ Award 2017 and attend the award ceremony in March. It made me feel really proud to know my little blog that was only a few months old was reaching people who needed it and making an impact. I feel really passionate about openly sharing our experience to help break the silence and hopefully inspire others to start talking too. No-body going through baby loss should feel alone or ashamed, and it makes my heart so warm to receive messages from people who have read the blog and shared their stories with me and told me about investigations/treatments they’ve had which have helped them take home a baby. I’ve also been nominated and shortlisted for 2 awards at this years Butterfly Awards (Author/Blogger and Inspirational Mother) which blows my mind.
For both the Tommy’s and Butterfly Awards I’ve been nominated alongside some fellow loss mamas who have become close friends and people who constantly inspire me. I am in awe everyday of the things others have achieved since the loss of their babies. Some have raised tens of thousands for charities, others have set up awareness campaigns, or just been a huge support and advocate for the baby loss community. It is such a privilege to be nominated alongside them when I feel I’ve achieved very little in comparison.
I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read the blog so far. Thank you for following our journey, sending us well wishes and support, sharing your stories with me and for remaining hopeful for us. It really does mean so much.
Hopefully one day in the not so distant future I’ll be blogging a little more rainbows than storms!