The end of this month marks two years since we miscarried our first pregnancy. Two years since we were thrown into the world of pregnancy loss. Two years, four pregnancy losses later and it feels like we are no closer to getting our ‘take home baby’.
This last miscarriage has hit me a little harder than I expected. I’ve spending a lot of time reflecting on the physical, emotional and mental impact recurrent pregnancy loss has.
There is still a stigma and ignorance around miscarriage and stillbirth. Phrases such as “at least you can get pregnant, you can try again” or “at least it happened early on” often get thrown around, and shows just how misunderstood pregnancy loss is. People fail to realise the affect it has on a women’s mental health.
You don’t have to look far to find copious articles and research pieces into pregnancy loss and mental health. Just one pregnancy loss is enough to cause a grief reaction, and this is perfectly justified. You’ve just lost something you love, something you made that was living and growing. Not only that, you’ve lost a whole future that was planned with your baby from the moment that pregnancy test came up positive.
Recurrent loss becomes a constant battle with grief. As a direct result, grief triggers anxiety and depression which greatly impacts many aspects of life – your relationships with family and friends, your ability to function at home and work, how you interact and socialise with others. And then there’s the all too common feelings of failure, guilt and hopelessness.
Counting our losses
Obviously, each loss is devastating. Reflecting back I’ve noticed that although the overall feeling is heartbroken, the heartache is unique each time.
The first miscarriage was a complete shock as our blissful bubble was punctured. It was our first pregnancy, we were excited and believed there was no going back. We were going to be parents. How wrong we were. We didn’t expect this to happen to us. Throughout your adolescence, sex education is purely focused on being careful, and NOT becoming pregnant. There is little to no education about miscarriage or fertility. We’d applied this to our whole adult life up to this point, being careful until the time was right. Buying a house, getting married. Although we knew of miscarriage, we were uneducated on the facts and completely unprepared that this could happen. We felt wounded.
The second loss left us completely and utterly devastated, heartbroken like we’ve never felt before. Nothing could have prepared us for Guy being stillborn. We had anxiously made it past the 12-week mark following the previous miscarriage and thought we were safe. Our naivety bubble was brutally burst. Our eyes opened to the cruelty of pregnancy loss and we learned in reality, there is no safe zone.
After our third loss, we felt complete numbness. We’d only lost Guy 9 months prior and were still grieving for him. In the grand scheme of things, an early miscarriage was no comparision to the pain we felt when he died. If anything we were angry. Angry because we felt we had suffered enough. We thought we deserved to have a ‘normal’ pregnancy and for some reason the universe disagreed and was stopping us from bringing home our rainbow baby.
And now, another miscarriage, our fourth loss. We are just filled with deep sadness and disbelief that this is happening again. We’ve had all of the NHS investigations done after the last miscarriage and everything came back normal. So to have another early miscarriage, a fourth consecutive, unexplained pregnancy loss, well I just don’t understand it at all. I really convinced myself that this was the one that would stick. I felt hopeless and helpless.
A Different Me
Pregnancy and baby loss changes you. You stop taking things for granted, because you know that pregnancy isn’t a promise and pregnancy loss does not discriminate. One pregnancy loss does not guarantee that everything will be ok next time, after all, 1 in 100 women experience recurrent losses. We have learned this the hardest way.
Recurrent miscarriage causes some ugly, and negative characteristics to surface. Severe anxiety, doubt, low cofidence. It makes you feel bitterness and resentment towards happy pregnancy/birth announcments, other pregnant ladies, newborns, children etc. It’s nothing personal towards those people (or babies), it’s the sadness and envy deep within that they have something you want/should have. That they get to be that naive person you once were and not have the worry that lightening will strike again… and again, and again.
It also brings out an inner strength you never knew you had. The strength to keep fighting for your dreams and get through each day, when life is constantly knocking you down. Living through what others can’t even bring themselves to imagine experiencing. People think your ‘strong and brave’, which I still don’t always understand. It also makes you love more deeply – your lost babies, family and friends. It gives you a greater appreciation for those you do have in your life.
I am a certainly a different person than I was 2 years ago, and doubt I will ever return to my former self. I am more anxious, less motivated and less productive at home. My work life has been affected – my time management is slower, my confidence, knowledge and skills feel impaired and I become overwhelmed easily in critical situations (all of which are not great when your a nurse). Being around other peoples children is difficult. I feel disconnected, like I have no clue how to interact with them and often feel unsure and uncomfortable doing so. I am more sensitive to the world around me, and I was a sensitive and emotional soul beforehand. This is all a direct result of trauma and grief.
I can identify my own inner strength and will power (although some days its harder to find than others). I am aware that not everyone can suffer losses like these and pick themselves back up so quickly, or at all. For some people it takes a while to heal before the time feels right to try again. And thats ok. I feel I’ve gained a voice which I hope I am putting to good use, and one day hope to use my experiences to help others in my professional career too.
When is enough, enough?
We are so ready to be parents, and not willing to let go of that dream just yet. These losses have certainly made that missing piece feeling much bigger these days. Especially after losing Guy. Our days off and free time suddenly feel noticably emptier than they did before. It’s as though our minds were mentally prepared to never have any free time ever again, and it’s not quite adjusted to life taking a different turn.
Over the last 2 years, I have been pregnant on and off for 12 months. I’m pretty sure my mind and body doesn’t know whether its coming or going. So far, its because of and for our lost babies that we keep fighting. But that fight is getting weak, and I’m starting to think a fifth loss might be the one that leads us to putting a pause on this chapter and take some time out for us. But who knows. I didn’t think I could survive another loss after Guy, and so far I’ve been able to pick myself back up.
I recently read a post on Still Standing magazine called “Not everyone gets a rainbow”, and some of it really resonated with me (it’s a very powerful article, I would highly recommend taking a look)…
I’m on the verge of saying “enough is enough” and facing the monumental task of making peace with the fact that I’ll never be able to raise a baby of my own in this life. To give myself a break from the tiring monthly cycle of putting all my hope and love out there only to be denied once again. To never have a pregnancy end in heartbreak again. But with each thought to give up, there is a spark of relentless optimism that says, “One more time, a baby to keep is worth it.”
– RaeAnne Fredrickson
Recurrent miscarriage chips away at your hopeful mind and you start to think about the things you feared. The reality of never having the family you so strongly wish and dream for suddenly feels like it could be your destiny. Each loss pushing your dreams further and further away. I’ve even noticed a change in how I phrase talking about having a family – ‘When we have children’ now becomes ‘IF we have children’, ‘IF this room ever becomes a nursery’.
Let’s stop remaining silent about this. Let’s stand together and say loudly “Not everyone gets a Rainbow”. Let’s talk openly about the torture of each new month when we get negatives instead of positives, the misery of seeing blood and knowing it’s the end of another life that’s only just begun, or soul destroying act of picking out another tiny casket.
– RaeAnne Fredrickson
What now?
Right, I don’t want to end this blog on a depressing note. So to inject a little positivity back into things, I can confirm we haven’t given up just yet (although I have had to throw the moses basket up in the loft out of sight before it goes through the window). Now that the fog of the last miscarriage is starting to lift, I can see a way forward. We feel that as long as there are still investigations to be done, and Professionals willing to help us, we have some strength and purpose to carry on. We are now planning to go for private testing in Coventry, and hope that the miscarriage Guru that is Professor Quenby and her team can help us! Fingers crossed.
I’ve really liked this quote for a while, so I’m posting it here as a little reminder that everything we’re going through is not all for nothing. Hopefully one day our persistant rain cloud will drift away, taking the pain and suffering with it, leaving us with a rainbow to cherish forever.
xxx
I am so sorry you have had these losses. Life can be very cruel. I am a loss Mummy too with the following story; early miscarriage, full term stillbirth, early miscarriage, 2 failed IVFs… rainbow ?.
My story is different to yours but I know what it’s like to have to pick yourself up and keep going. Rainbows can and do happen. Know you’re not alone.
Love from Conor’s Mummy
xx⭐️x
Hi Imogen, Thank you for sharing your story. What a difficult journey you’ve been on. I’m so glad you have your rainbow. It’s very encouraging for me to hear, and helps remind me to stay focused and not give up. Lots of love. xxx
This resonates with me so much that I could have written it myself. You perfectly described the changing grief that comes with each new miscarriage. After five pregnancy losses (three chemical pregnancies and two miscarriages) our sixth loss resulted in a blank, grey, bleakness. I barely even cried. Two months on the feeling of resignation is starting to lift a bit but for the first time in this journey (two years next month) I’m questioning whether we should keep trying.
Hi laura,
Thank you for you kind words. I’m really glad that what I write makes sense to other people. I totally feel your bleakness, I don’t think I cried for our third loss. It felt too much like to same old, same old… I had nothing new to cry about. Please don’t give up. We are all in this together, stay strong mama. I hope you get your rainbow soon. Love and best wishes. Sam. xxx
So honest and true. I have just had my 4th recurrent miscarriage and this time I feel numb and want to keep my loss separate to the rest of my life. I am hoping that the doctors will now help me with some answers. I hope you find peace and have your rainbow baby to bring home into your arms in the near future. X
I am so sorry for your losses Laura. I really hope you get some answers soon. Sending lots of rainbow dust and love to you.
Sam.
xxx
Thank you for writing and posting this. I really needed to read it today. X
Hi Hannah, I am so glad my blog has been helpful. I know I’m achieving what I set out to do if it helps one person feel less alone. lots of love, Sam. xxx
I am a mum of 5 here on earth and 6 in heaven 4 late miscarriages 1 early loss and a neonate death!
Hi Suzanne, I’m so sorry you have had the heartache of losing so many precious babies. Such a brave warrior mama. Sending all you and of your Earth and Angel babies lots of love. xxxx
Hi Sam,
Thanks for posting this. Your journey’s been similar to ours, although we’ve been fortunate enough to take one home along the way. We lost one, took one home, and have since lost a further three over the past two years. We went private fairly early on, because the NHS support offered to us was fairly non-existent (I’d like to point out to the NHS that recurrent miscarriage is still recurrent miscarriage regardless of us having a child); and after two years, following countless appointments, several operations and an emotional rollercoaster, we’re finally back in a position where we can try again… and try we will.
Your post is the honest truth, and it’s allowed my wife to see that she’s not all by herself; she’s not the only one that can’t stand to see smug pregnant women holding their bumps, and she’s not the only one that appears to be ‘different’. I agree that she’s changed, that she’s not the women I first met, and I know I’m not the same man; how can we be after repeated losses? But one piece of good ammoungst all of this bad, it that my love and admiration for her has grown tenfold. She’s an amazing women.
I just want to say keep your chin up, keep trying for your rainbow, and regardless of what’s ahead of you, take comfort knowing that you’ve helped people with your blog. Recurrent miscarriage shouldn’t be a taboo subject, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking out.
Good luck, Mark xx
Hello Mark,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely message.
I’m terribly sorry you and your wife have experienced recurrent losses. I totally agree, recurrent loss is recurrent loss, regardless of whether theres a live birth in-between. Sadly, the NHS will only help if your recurrent losses are consecutive. Such a shame. I didn’t think the recurrent miscarriage clinics would help us after our third loss, as Guy was stillborn in-between two early miscarriages. Luckily they did see us, as Guy was a second trimester loss and only just past the point of being classed as a ‘miscarriage’.
I’m glad my blogs have been able to help your wife. Hearing this fills me with pride, knowing I’m achieving what I set out to do by blogging our experiences. No-one should feel alone on this heartbreaking journey.
Wishing you and your wife lots of luck for the future. I hope the next pregnancy is trouble free.
Love Sam.
xxx
Thank you so much for writing this. I wrote a post under one of your blog entries a few months ago and have been following your page ever since. When I wrote my last post I was in a very dark place, had tried for a baby for 2 years, been diagnosed with pcos, had countless investigations and fertility treatments. Finally became pregnant and had a very tough miscarriage where baby outgrew the sac, then more treatments. Got pregnant again and lost that baby at 7 weeks. I was in a very dark place and can only imagine how you felt after so many more losses and your precious Guy. I just wanted to update you that we got pregnant naturally after Christmas and I am now 19 weeks. Still terrified every day but trying to remain calm and positive. I hope everything works out for all of us and want to send you all my love. Thank you for sharing your story and giving us all courage and strength to know we’re not alone x
Hi Aoife,
Lovely to hear from you again. Been trying to scroll through all my comments, as I was sure I responded to your last message but can’t find it :O(
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a rough fertility and miscarriage battle, it’s just beyond unfair. Thank you for sharing with me. I cannot tell you how much of a smile it put on my face to hear your pregnancy news. I completely understand how anxious you must be, and its perfectly warranted and allowed given what you’ve been through. Taking things one day and milestone at a time is the best we can do. Lots of self care and gentle days are needed. Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy, please keep me posted. Your more than welcome to email me if you ever want to chat (sammiet2k@hotmail.com).
All the best and lots of love,
Sam. xxx
I know that this is an older post but I felt compelled to tell you about my story and encouge you to not give up hope.
The doctors always told us that the only thing we could do was to keep trying. So we did. I had eight losses in 5 years before I took a baby home. Two chemicals, 5 losses between 8 and 12 weeks, and a second trimester loss of a baby with a lethal form of dwarfism. The road is long and hard but it’s possible that it will lead to your rainbow baby.
We were going to give up and start the adoption process if we got to ten losses without a take home baby. My daughter was the ninth pregnancy. I never regretted continuing to try and I was lucky to have an epiphany after the second year of losses. It was then that I decided to be happy. I realized that my future children would need me to not be the miserable person I was. I realized that for them, whether I had biological or adopted children, I couldn’t let the losses destroy me. Don’t get me wrong, I still grieved but I didn’t allow it to steal my happiness.
Honestly though we got numb to the losses and eventually locked our hearts up in protective cages. So much so that when my daughter was born at 35 weeks we had nothing prepared. We were so scared of losing her we couldn’t bring ourselves to invest in any baby gear. We knew that if we lost her too the baby stuff would be a constant reminder of what we lost.
I share this story with the desire that you and your readers could know that it can happen. Even after eight or more, it CAN happen.
Hi Kimberly,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. I’m so sorry you endured so much difficulty and heartache before finally bringing your beautiful daughter home. I’m really pleased you finally got a happy outcome. It really is so difficult to find the strength to persevere and fight through.
We are currently 32 weeks with our rainbow, and have only just started to prep for their arrival in the last few weeks. I too felt so reluctant to buy anything through fear it would all end. Starting to get the nursery ready has helped a lot, it’s helped us to find some excitement and think positively. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terrified that something will go wrong, but it’s a bit more balanced now.
Wishing you all the best,
Lots of love, Sam. xxx
I needed to hear all of this today. We’ve had 4 early losses this year. Each loss has been different physically and emotionally but with each one I feel more and more distant and withdrawn. We have a beautiful 2 year old and I worry about how my mental health is affecting her. We are having a break now because this journey is such a burden we need to rest for a while
Hi Kate. I am very sorry to hear about your losses. It’s so difficult, and I can imagine it has been exceptionally draining going through 4 in such a short time. Taking some time out sounds like a good idea, give your mind and body a chance to catch up, recover and process what’s happened. Plenty of self care needed! Whilst we found taking a few months out between pregnancies and various investigations/tests frustrating, it was good in hindsight to have that time. Wishing you all the best, I hope the universe gives you a break soon and you can bring home your rainbow. Lots of love. xxx
Hi there,
Thank you for this sharing this post, it has really helped me today when I am finding it very hard to be positive.
I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy. Still trying for our first child, but currently undergoing investigations at St Mary’s in London. Most days I am ok and then I have a really bad day when I feel totally hopeless.
I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband, family and friends, but sometimes I still feel so alone and it’s hard for anyone to understand fully the emotions that you go through.
Your stories of success, and your continued strength to keep going are inspiring, and make me think it can still happen for us one day too.
Thank you,
Charlotte
Hi Charlotte,
Im so sorry for my delay in responding to your comment. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. It’s really nice to hear it has helped you in some way.
I’d also like to say how sorry I am to hear of your miscarriages, and I hope you are coping ok going through the various testing. Please don’t be disheartened by ‘normal’ results. It took us a while to accept that this wasn’t a bad thing. Finding a problem could have been worse. I’m really pleased you and your husband are supportive of one another, it’s such a difficult and trying time on any relationship. Stay strong, stay focused and be gentle on yourselves.
Wishing you all the best and I hope you get your rainbow soon. xxx
Hello,thanks for sharing. I really needed to know that I am not the only one going through this. Just had a third miscarriage a few days back. I feel like everything around me is dark. All I can say is that it’s very tough.