The storms keep coming…

Throughout this journey for our Rainbow Baby, I made a promise that  I would remain open and honest about our experiences.  I apologise if this blog makes no sense, or reads like a load of nonsense.  I know I could probably cut a long story short, but I felt the best way to process the last few weeks would be to write it all out.

Weeks 4-5

On Friday 13th January, we found out we were expecting again, for the 4th time.

The usual wave of mixed emotions went round; denial, numbness, happiness, anxiety. But ultimately, I felt quite good about it. Finding out on Friday 13th didn’t feel unlucky, I looked at it as a sign from Guy that he’d sent us his rainbow sibling on his anniversary.

Weeks 6-7

The following week I began taking the progesterone as advised and prescribed from the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I rang the doctors to book in with the midwife for my hospital referral and rang the hospital to make my appointment to go back to the miscarriage clinic (as requested by them at our last appointment).

We saw the miscarriage consultant a week later. It was a pretty simple in and out appointment. She just checked what medication I was taking and sent us off for a scan, advising if everything was ok she’d see us again in a week.

The scan was uneventful. They could see the pregnancy sac and the beginnings of a flickering heartbeat. Roughly dating baby at 5-6 weeks (not the 7 weeks I thought I should be). Que the anxieties setting in, then me trying to battle them with logic. My periods have been irregular since the last miscarriage, 5-6 weeks. So I decided I could accept some discrepancy with dates at this stage.

I returned to the miscarriage clinic the following week. Another in and out visit – no advice or recommendations, just referring me on to have a repeat scan at the end of the week.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from attending the recurrent miscarriage clinic in the early stages of a pregnancy. Whilst I am extremely grateful that this service is available to us, and I have been able to get tests done, I can’t help but feel a little dishearted by their early pregnancy input.  In all honesty, I’m not sure it has been of any benefit.  To be fair, they have no diagnosis to work with, so the best they can offer is early reassurance scans.  But I feel some emotional support would have been very beneficial?

Weeks 7-8

Following this appointment I went off to meet Louise, my Tommy’s midwife, to arrange other appointments. I needed to go back under the care of MAVIS clinic for blood pressure monitoring and would also go under the care of the placenta and fetal medicine team rather than Rainbow clinic. This would fit in with my needs based on our history with Guy, and provide continuity of care with the team we already know.

Before heading home, I bumped into Ed Johnstone, our fetal medicine consultant. This was a lovely surprise. He’s left such a lasting impression on us since we met him with Guy.  Makes me wish away those first 4 months of pregnancy, not only because those first few months are crap, but to feel safe under his care and expertise.

Weeks 8-9

On Friday we attended the MAVIS clinic to see the lovely Dr Jenny.  It had been arranged that she would perform our scan rather than going to the scan department as originally planned.

Jenny tried to do an abdominal scan to avoid the invasive internal scan, but couldn’t get a clear image.  So we were then scanned by a specialist midwife, who confirmed what I knew was coming.

There was no heartbeat.

Here we were, 8 weeks in and history repeating itself.  My initial thoughts – ‘well why wouldn’t it happen again?’ and ‘I can’t face the EPU, I want to go home’.  Jenny and the midwives could feel our pain and were very empathetic.  After all, they’ve been on this journey with us for the last 3 pregnancies.

I was just grateful we were in our safe place, surrounded by professionals who knew us and knew exactly how to support us.  They happily agreed with my decision to go home instead of visiting the EPU.  I honestly couldn’t bare to face it at that moment, and felt I could look after myself at home.

We decided that we would give the pregnancy a week to try and naturally miscarry, and if nothing had happened then I would go to the EPU for medical management.  The midwife even offered to do a repeat scan next week if the physical miscarriage happened.

We really appreciate the small things like this.  One of the reasons I love the team on the research floor at Manchester. They literally go out of their way to care for us and keep us out of the mainstream ante-natal departments where possible.  Ed also came into see us before we left too which was lovely of him to do.

What now?

Well, I really don’t know.  Another unexplained loss leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless and pessimistic.  That all too common feeling of failure looms.  I know I’ve done nothing wrong, and this isn’t my fault.  But I feel like my body is failing us, and it becomes more and more difficult to trust that my body will ever get it right.

I feel sad because I really believed that this was going to be the one that stuck.  And like last time, it makes us miss Guy even more.  It makes us really, truly appreciate how incredibly special he was to have fought and survived for as long as he did.  He is the only one of our little Jonesy beans that made it passed the 8-week mark, and I feel sad that we don’t know his secret.  What did he do differently?

Our future is filled with possibly facing an unknown amount of future losses before we eventually bring a baby home.  With no answers to justify our miscarriages, we just keep getting told to keep trying and one day it will happen.  I’m finding that this is becoming very difficult to swallow with each loss.

Yes, we really want children.  But how many more losses can we deal with before we break?  I think the desire to keep fighting for your dreams is massively affected by your strength to keep tolerating losses. I don’t see ‘fighting’ and ‘strength’ as things that go hand in hand in the world of pregnancy loss.  They are two very separate qualities that don’t work well together, but we try our hardest to be strong and tolerate the fight.  Each loss will either make you stronger willed or weaker, but it will always leave cracks that will eventually break.  If that even makes any sense?

I am so grateful and lucky to have the best, most supportive husband.  We both agree that we can survive these early miscarriages, for now.  Obviously not losing a baby at all would be the number one option.  What we mean is, losing Guy was a loss on a whole other level, and we never want to experience that again. So for now, miscarriage is the lesser of two evils, and we will continue to fight through it, together.

14 thoughts on “The storms keep coming…

  1. Please keep going had 6 failed pregnancies before our rainbow. Have you spoken to your doctor about taking 75mg of asprin daily. My miscarriages couldn’t be explained and I was advised to take the asprin daily and truly believe that is what help us get our miracle. I feel so much for you I really do. Breaks my heart reading this. I’m sending you my love and prayers x

    1. Hi Nia. I’m so glad you got your rainbow after such a difficult time.

      Yeah i’m suppose to take aspirin early pregnancy to try and help the placenta due to the problems we had with Guy’s IUGR. I took it from 5 weeks during my third pregnancy but still miscarriage. I hadn’t started it during the last pregnancy as the miscarriage clinic advise taking it from 8weeks and I miscarried just beforehand. Hopefully next time we will get all the way to the happy end. Much love. xxxx

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this, you really, really deserve your rainbow. After one early miscarriage, we lost our perfect baby daughter in the second trimester of my pregnancy last year and picking up the pieces (or attempting to) has been so difficult.

    I’m not pregnant again yet but I’m also under St Mary’s Manchester, if you fancy a chat over email please don’t hesitate. (Totally understand if not, though.) On the one hand I’m reassured by their expertise, but I also find it so hard every time I go back in, after everything we’ve been through in there.

    Anyway just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts.

    1. Hi Kat,
      Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses too. It’s incredibly hard to pick yourself back up after such trauma and heartbreak. I’m glad your under the care of St Mary’s, its a fabulous place for the variety of expertise. Helps you feel as though someone will know what to do.

      Your more than welcome to email if you wish ( Or you can find me on Instagram at @princesspanda_sammie or @stormsandrainbowsblog.

      Lots of love and best wishes to you for the future. I hope its full of rainbows. xxxx

  3. I read this and feel like I could’ve written it. I have a daughter but have had 3 miscarriages since July 2015. I’m at a recurrent miscarriage clinic also in North West but not st Mary’s. I’m getting frustrated with the “when you get pregnant again we’ll treat you”. As if I can just continue to go through this again and again. I know exactly what you mean about the cracks being there no matter how you react to it x

    1. Hi Jenna,
      So sorry your on this difficult journey too. I really hope you get the support and treatment you need to help bring home your rainbow. Maybe its worth asking to be referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at St Mary’s. Different hospitals might be able to offer different testing due to funding. I know St Mary’s do the full screen thats available on the NHS. Love and best wishes, xxxx

  4. I’m so sorry for your losses. I am on my 5th pregnancy with the 1st being a late miscarriage at 16 weeks, 2nd healthy baby girl, 3rd unbalance baby that was born and lived 7 months and my 4th a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks. By far the worst loss was the baby I actually got to meet. I know every loss hurts but getting to hold my little one and then losing her has been a nighmare. Hopefully this pregnancy sticks, and if it doesnt, I would also prefer to miscarry early on, like u said…. the worse of 2 evils… I hope that you get that baby you get to hold and raise, don’t lose hope and keep trying.

    1. Hi Laura,

      oh gosh, you’ve certainly been through so much heartache. I’m so sorry to hear about your precious babies. It’s just so unfair that the nicest people get such a raw deal.

      Sending you so much love and all the best wishes for this pregnancy. I really hope you bring home a healthy rainbow baby for keeps. You deserve it. xxxx

  5. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I am under st Marys after 3 early miscarriages and I’ve been told that there is nothing more they can do and to come back when I’m pregnant. It’s incredibly frustrating!! I work with Ed through his Uni work, he’s fantastic!

    1. Hi kerry,

      Your experience at the miscarriage clinic is so similar to mine. When you get there, pregnant, theres little else they can do because they have no answers to work with. It’s very frustrating, and didn’t help me feel reassured as I felt I was going for nothing. I really hope you get your rainbow.

      Ah I love Ed. He’s a fabulous man. Have a real soft spot for him, he cared for us so well in those few weeks with Guy. xxxx

  6. I too had three unexplained recurrent miscarriages, it is horrendous and you are so brave for sharing your journey.
    Despite constant tests we had no answers and still don’t. So frustrating.
    We were given progesterone supplements as a “maybe it’ll help” for my fourth pregnancy as it is supposed to boost the placenta. We were lucky enough to have our rainbow boy Joshua who is amazing and a happy eight month old boy now.
    Now found out I’m pregnant again and I’m terrified.
    But stay strong mama! You don’t know the difference you are making to women by writing down what you are feeling. You’re a braver woman than me xxxx

    1. I’m so sorry for your losses, but glad to hear you have your rainbow Joshua. I think your anxieties for this pregnancy are justified. Just because you’ve had a rainbow, doesn’t mean your anxieties this time will be any better. Your still ‘aware’ of what could go wrong, i don’t think that will ever leave us. Just take things one day at a time, seek the support you need to get through, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Wishing you all the best, your braver than you think you are. lots of love. xxxx

  7. Hello Samantha,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and your strenght, I am very sorry for everything you have had to go trough.
    I have been trough 3 years of infertility, a loss at 8 weeks and now I’m 17 weeks pregnant with my girl Diana, I feel scared most of the time, but also hopeful.
    I wanted to share what I did, that I believed has helped us get this far medically speaking, you have probably done everything I am about to say, but it doesn’t cost anything to share and maybe it will help, I took progesterone from day one of finding out up till 14 weeks, I also took baby aspirin, everyday, since before conceiving, and during my previous loss, I did a blood test when we found out the development stoped before the misscariage, that showed my thyroid was really off, 2 weeks later it was normal, if I hadn’t taken the test during those days I might not have found out and started taking the right medicine and doing this particular test as soon as I found I was pregnant again to adjust the medicine acordingly.
    I am very sorry if this upsets you in any way, as it is not my intetion to sugest you haven’t done everything, as you have probably tried everyone of my sugestions, and because I haven’t myself succeeded yet at bringing a healthy baby home, but since I am from Brazil and I know somethings are different from one healthcare to the other, maybe my experience here could help you all the way over there as yours has helped mine.
    I do hope you can find out a way to carry a baby to term and to be able to care for them here on earth.

    Ps. As I see your story I remember what I say to my husband about being scared, the scariest part is knowing that even if we would have to go trough everything again we would, because the will to be a mother is greater than any pain, and that’s why it is so scary.

    1. Hello Ariana. How lovely that my blog is reaching people in Brazil!

      I am so sorry to hear that you have been through such a difficult time starting your family and that you have experienced a loss also. Being pregnant again after a loss is difficult, I don’t think anyone will ever understand the anxieties unless they experience it themselves.

      Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s always interesting hearing the treatments other people have tried. I used baby aspirin in my third pregnancy, and progesterone pessaries in my fourth. Sadly I still miscarried. I am waiting for more investigations before we try again, and will possibly have blood thinning injections next time. I will post all about it on my blog when it happens, so please keep checking back.

      Wishing you all the best of luck for the rest of this pregnancy. Just take it one day at a time and seek all the support you need from the professionals caring for you. Lots of love. Xxxx

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