First Appointment Anxieties

So on Friday we have our first ante-natal appointment at Manchester.  Given our history, we have chosen to go straight under the care of St Mary’s from the beginning.  They know us, they know our story, they know the plan for this pregnancy.  Nothing needs to be painfully explained to new doctors and midwives and make the whole experience much more stressful than it already is.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant, I contacted our midwife, Louise, who we have remained in touch with since Guy died.  She immediately got our first appointment sorted before I had chance to go the GP and get referred.  I can’t describe how amazing that is, to be cared for by people who have the initiative to get things sorted rather than waiting for you just go into the system routinely.

There is comfort in knowing that we will be seen and given an early pregnancy scan before we’re even at 12 weeks, as this long wait caused me a great deal of anxiety when I was pregnant with Guy.

Booking in…

When we got pregnant for the first time, our booking appointment fell when we were 9 weeks. We got clerked in by the midwife and got a scan. The scan dated our little bean at 6 weeks (maybe that was a clue that things weren’t right, as Guy measured only a few days short of what we thought).

However, the system had changed when we were pregnant with Guy.  Our booking appointment was much later than the first time, around 12 weeks, and in big bold writing on the top of the letter, ‘You will not be scanned at this appointment’.

We had a missed miscarriage with little Bean. At 11 weeks I had some light spotting and went for a scan which showed our Jonesy Bean had died at 8 weeks and 5 days.  I had carried around a dead baby for 3 weeks and didn’t even know.  Apart from my pregnancy symptoms disappearing (which I just put down to being towards the end of the first trimester), I didn’t know.

So you imagine how stressed this made me.  I sobbed reading that booking letter. No scan? Really? Is this a joke? How on earth do I know everything is ok if I don’t even get a scan at my booking appointment? All I wanted… needed, was to see a little heartbeat and I would be able to settle.  I ended up ringing the ante-natal department to ask why this was, and was passed from person to person and getting no answers other than ‘because your classed as out of area, the appointments are different’.

In the end, I went into the hospital in person to speak to a midwife, in tears.  She tried to explain that I would get a scan, and this would be arranged at the booking appointment for some point in the following days.  Well why didn’t letter say that?! Why couldn’t the three people I spoke to on the phone explain that?  I was so worked up at this point even that wasn’t good enough.  I didn’t want to get to that appointment and find out I’d have to wait a week or more for my scan because all the appointments were filled up.  Seeing how distressed I was, she kindly went down to the scan department and booked my scan in for 2 days after my booking.

Thankfully, my booking appointment letter from manchester explained things much more clearly.  It does say the appointment won’t include a scan, but a scan will be arranged at this appointment.  Simples.

Nightmares and dreams

In the run up to Guy’s first scan, I was having the most vivid anxiety dreams.  I think I had 2 dreams where I was at appointments and they were trying to find a heartbeat, and another dream where I woke up in bed having a massive bleed.  They were awful, so real.  I was waking up sobbing.

Well these dreams are back this week in the run up to this appointment on Friday.  I’ve had a couple where I am at the hospital for my appointment but it either never gets to the part with the scan, or the scan is blurred out, like its censored, so I wake up not knowing the outcome.

I’ve had absolutely no symptoms so far, other than still not having a period.  To most people that would be lovely, but not for me.  Having the missed miscarriage makes me doubt my body.  All my symptoms disappeared a few weeks before, I didn’t realise at the time, but that was because the pregnancy had ended.  I had no bleeding, no pains, no other clue anything was wrong.  So yes, having no symptoms so far makes me feel a little uneasy.  A little morning sickness or sore boobs would be most welcome for some reassurance things are ok in there.

I’m grateful we’ve got an early pregnancy appointment this time.  I couldn’t bare waiting another 5 weeks to find out if things are ok.  Roll on Friday!